Friday, November 14, 2014

The Woman Behind The Curtain

This is un-edited & I'm so exhausted.. i'm sure there are grammatical errors & what not everywhere.. I just wanted to write. And honestly, I just don't give a shit, but I do hope you get some enjoyment out of this.

I've had this overwhelming feeling of sadness balled up in my stomach the past 2 days. I couldn't tell you why. I could guess, but even when I'm not thinking about those things the feeling sometimes shows up. It's really weird. It really sucks!!!

Judah intentionally pulled my hair today & was intentionally trying to hurt the aide. She said this started a couple of days ago. She has some scratches on her arm.

Sebastian continues to be crazy right before bedtime. He just turns into another kid who doesn't seem to understand what he is supposed to be doing so he chooses the outrageous, harmful behavior instead. It's typically directed at Scott, but affects everyone. I don't understand it. We're trying our best. I feel like we really need to understand it before we can truly help, until then we are pretty much just shooting at a target with our eyes covered. Right now the plan is to have Scott spend more time with Sebastian one-on-one. I am really hopeful that this will bring about a big change. I could see this helping. But again, shot in the dark.. fingers crossed.

I volunteered in Sebastian's classroom for half the day. His teacher gave me a pile of work to take home - things for Sebastian to work on at home to help him practice reading, writing & math. I worked with a little girl in his class today. Her math skills were really close to where his are and most of her numbers were backwards. I paid attention to the behaviors of his peers & saw that most of them were taking things seriously about 15-20% of the time & the rest of the time were just having fun. My point being, they all seemed very similar to what we've been in seeing in Sebastian in a few big ways. His teacher says he is raising his hand more & is more confident. The principal pulled me aside when I was trying to stay within the stream of children heading outside to meet their parents. She told me that she sees him looking much happier and smiling a lot. What I saw of him in the classroom was that he was fairly reserved, looking down most of the time & seemed like he was doing what he was supposed to but wasn't really enjoying the moments in between like most of his peers were. We did music & P.E. next. Those classes were much funner of course. He danced & sang in music. He raised his hand to tell the teacher how the song had made him feel when the teacher had asked the class. "It made me feel tired." haha. Another kid said slowly, "It made me feel... like I was in a spooky house.." First graders have such personality & imagination. I just adore those kids.

During P.E. the kids played games in the gym. They were hysterical! "Where's Waldo" and another one, which Sebastian was picked to be a team leader on. The teachers in both music & P.E. both mentioned to the class that he was being good.. amongst other kids of course, but he was usually mentioned. Many kids didn't have tennis shoes on. They have P.E. four times a week, for just 30 minutes at a time. Every 2 minutes a kid was falling down or sliding across the floor. It was so funny! It looked like they were running on ice! And they were never hurt - they're kids, but they were constantly falling down! The teacher never once checked on any of them.. most of the time the kid bounced back up in seconds, smiling & laughing. But sometimes a kid wouldn't immediately get up but instead lay on the floor, posing dramatically or just taking a breather. Again, I adore these kids.

The aide took J. to Super Bounce. He made a friend and was taking the initiative on encouraging him to go down the big slide.

Last night I went to see Dr. Silva speak. She is the woman doing the Qigong research studies. She's really well known. It was only an hour long & unfortunately there wasn't much said that I wasn't already aware of. Most of what she was saying could have been summed up in 30 minutes. Even more unfortunate was the sound of crickets when she asked if anyone had questions. I was sitting there thinking.. "This is the woman behind the curtain people!!" She didn't even make an appearance at the research meetings - we could only watch her on video! She is highly spoken about & very well known. My kid has a new life because of this massage that she teaches & studies! Why the hell weren't there 20 hands in the air??! It wasn't a large turnout - maybe 50 people? They raffled off a few of her books & dvds. I didn't win any, but I already have both.

Anyway, someone finally asked a question, breaking the dead silence. Then the guy at my table raised his hand. Then more silence. I had been trying to come up with a question, just because I am so fond & enormously appreciative of this woman. I was baffled that she wasn't getting questions!! No one had been asking them throughout the presentation either! So I threw my hand up & decided to act as if I didn't understand what she had said about how it was best for both parents to be involved in doing the massage. I told her that my husband does the massage & that I honestly thought that he did it better. "So you're saying that my child would benefit even more if I did his massage too?" (that was basically my question). Since she looked puzzled when I said Scott did the massage better I felt the need to explain.. "Well, you know, his hands are bigger and stronger.." and before I knew it I was seriously sounding like I was telling the room how handsome & sexy my husband was as I continued to describe his hands & muscular abilities, lol. All I wanted to do was give her a question. She looked more & more confused as I babbled on. The ladies in front of me had turned around to look at me.. but eventually turned back.. likely thinking, "okay.. we won't look at you anymore.. it's gone on long enough.. and now we just feel bad for you", haha. Anyway, Silva responded to me by explaining that sometimes parents are afraid to touch because they too are on the spectrum, they just don't know it. "But I don't get that from you", she said. I was seriously excited because the amazing Dr. Silva was going to analyze me! Holy crap! "From you I see a lack of self-confidence..." and then she added completely unnecessarily, "which is sad". Ha!! She's right, my self-confidence isn't bounding, but I was asking a question in a room full of people, sounding like a complete ass, telling the room how sexy my husband was.. all just to give her a question! I felt bad for her! She deserved questions!! (And I also just wanted a chance to speak to her.) Who does that?!?! And then she announces to the room that I have low self-confidence, and boy is that sad!! hahaaa. She also recommended that I seek help & find a therapist. hahaha, I'm dead serious.

You know what's amazing though. And I swear on everything, I was not at all offended or embarrassed. Her comments just rolled off my back. I was still sitting there listening & engaging. Two minutes later someone mentioned something that I felt the need to chime in about.. I didn't raise my hand.. I just spoke, "It's part of our routine. Daddy does the massage.. Mommy takes care of the other two.." And I wasn't uncomfortable in sharing this. And the ladies in front of me were now nodding their heads as if they were in agreement. ??? And the famous Dr. Silva proclaimed, "Well THAT is okay." hahah, what?!? Interestingly enough - and I had honestly NEVER thought of this.. I couldn't count the number of times it was mentioned in those handful of questions about how the man has more control and is sometimes the best person to do the massage. I swear. Even she herself said it!

Anyway, I laugh to the point of tears when I think about that story. Which is good. Because I need something to laugh about.

At gymnastics a couple weeks ago I had to go out in the gym & do Judah's gymnastics with him.. not sure if I mentioned that one in here or not. The small crowd of parents got to watch me look like a total asshat jumping down the trampoline, trying to keep my balance. I haven't been on a trampoline since I was ten!! Of course that was a day that we brought the aide, the other 2 kids & Scott was there too. Might as well have sent out invitations to the spotlight on my awkwardness!

Seven years ago these kinds of things would have temporarily traumatized me (if there is such a thing). Something even less embarrassing than the gym thing happened to me when I was in my 20's and it bothered me for years. I was upset about that for YEARS. Maybe it was going into battle for my little boy with special needs.. a realized life-long battle & heartache.. maybe it's having 3 kids.. maybe it was giving birth.. maybe I became an adult at some point... I don't know. But somewhere along the way I stopped giving a shit. Did I ever talk about the time Judah pulled my shirt down in Wal-Mart? I pulled it back up, closed my jacket, muttered a curse word and continued waiting in the check-out line. Instead of being embarrassed about it, I shared the story with friends.. who all got a big laugh. I guess life events that would have been pure humiliation for me in the past have now blossomed into opportunities to spread laughter, and laughter feels incredible. Hopefully I'm somehow spreading the reminder that we are all human. And that honestly, nobody really gives a shit.. I promise.

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